onlyeverdoubted | TLV Inbox

Mister Rook, I require a word.

[Maybe a slightly later response than usual. Not by much. Bodhi's never neglectful of wardening, but he did enjoy himself a bit too much on that trip, and a little bleariness lingers.]

Fire at will.

I've been thinking on this a good deal, but still, I am not completely certain I will put it to words correctly. ...I do not care for feeling indecisive, and that has regrettably been the background radiation of my existence for months now.

I ceased my work because we agreed I should...try to find something. More suitable. That I could enjoy. This has not been the most fruitful.

[ It led to him overtraining and making himself seriously fucking sick, is what it did. ]

Well, all that... absolutely makes sense to me.

[Bodhi does not know the word validating, at least if it's not in the sense of proving your credits check out in a shady spaceport where everybody wants to kill you. But it's more or less what he's trying to do, because if he knew the answer he'd have shared it already.]

So you need a new angle if this one's not working.

When I try to make sense of all this, I feel certain I've come to an important conclusion and then I cannot verbalize what it is.

[ And it's getting frustrating. ]

For instance, when I first came here, talk of jobs involved...trying to find something that I already knew I could do well, for work -- though there are few opportunities to apply any of that here. I have also begun to doubt that this would have been a wise thing to do.

Do you know what I spend all of my time doing, if I am not training, or fighting? ...Back in my own universe, I mean.

I've... worked under the assumption that governing and... logistics probably took up a lot of time?

[He may find Freeza's position in life both horrifying and incomprehensible, but he can at least imagine it's demanding.]

...Things that can be done while one...sits still. I've been giving more thought than perhaps I should, to what I can remember of being younger, and coming of age. And there's a lot of that.

[He wishes he knew whether this was supposed to be a metaphor.]

So do you just think that's... not ideal, or do you have a clearer idea of what you might want to change?

I need to be doing more. And I need to be doing things that do not just involve me sitting still and watching, or fighting. [ Or attacking, rather. It usually ends quite abruptly after that. ] It's always felt like either or.

Most things are... neither or nor. I mean. A lot of tasks can be done sitting. But good, we have a direction. You need to actually engage with what you're doing and not just in a hitting sort of way.

It's...more than that, but I'm not certain you'll understand.

Might as well try.

[It's hardly going to make anything worse.]

[ For whatever reason, perhaps because he isn't sure he'll say it right, he pulls back. This feels unsafe. ]

...Not now. But... there is a goal, then.

Where do I begin?

[This is the last place he'd push. Bodhi lets it slide by.]

What...

[Bodhi hears himself falter and tries again after too long a pause. Because he does have thoughts on the subject. He just doesn't let himself dwell on them, because they're stupid and undeserved. Nothing's changing for him. But Freeza is here to change, and that's miserable and violating, but at least suggests the possibility is there.]

Is there anything you can picture yourself doing and actually accomplishing something that you'd care about? I don't mean here. I mean, um, in... in general.

I don't know. So I'm just going to have to try until I find something. I don't -- find much of anything here applicable to what's waiting for me at home.

Nothing... nothing that happens here is useful. I mean, I supposed you know how to cook now, but not in a way that could turn into a useful occupation even if you wanted it to.

[As far as he can tell everybody's just supposed to busy up their time while they wait for sudden moral reformation to happen.]

There's the library. Though that's... just research. Not the same as really learning to do anything. Better than nothing.

[ He's quiet for a moment, mostly because mention of the library reminds him of two things. ]

...Someone gave me a book to read last month. Because of 'banned books' in their world, I suppose. I only bring it up because something I've been avoiding thinking about was the other me, on that other barge. He was very different, for all his experience, just for how much time he devoted to ruminating. Over everything.

I don't consider myself an unthoughtful person, but when you're beset by just an ongoing torrent of ennui, all you can really do is think. Or train. Even when I couldn't move I was doing that.

...What I mean is to say I've hesitated to follow his example for obvious reasons.

I don't want to be broken the same way he was.

[Bodhi does his best to follow, keeping careful track of the little, quiet reveals here. He knew Freeza was rattled by that other self, but this is a new aspect.]

Having a map to becoming the worst version of yourself is... disquieting.

[He still doesn't like to think of a few of his iterations. How easily it could have been even worse. How much he'd prefer to believe that this now is the bottom of the barrel.]

I understand being shy of a path that looks similar. But you know how it got as bad as it did. If you can't pursue any avenue that looks too similar to his, I'd worried you'll... stay stuck.

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